The 3 Worst Things About Retail

– One minute. Na da da da da, fuck of
Norton you stupid cunt. Hi, yeah I know I haven’t
uploaded in a while, I’m sorry. My cat died. That’s a bald-faced lie, I’m just fuckin’ lazy as shit, bitch. A-haha. So want to try a new type of video. Something fresh. Something exciting. Something artistically,
creatively, erotically satisfying that simultaneously requires
no fucking effort on my part ’cause I’m so, Jesus Christ I’m so lazy. And what single video format fits all those criteria and more? I hear you say. Bitch, a numbered list,
are you not listenin’? You fuckin’ fake fan. Roll the title card. There’s no one there. (upbeat music) I have worked a lot of retail in my life. I have volunteered, I
have worked charity shops, I’ve worked fashion, home retail, and as you work you amass
more and more reasons to just fucking hate life until that mass, that heavy lump of exhaustion
that just kinda sits here below the lymph nodes
starts to poison you. It floods your body
with this thick, black, gooey hatred for absolutely everything in your fucking miserable life. And for what? Why do we do it? Why do we do it? Why do we subject ourselves to this late stage capitalist nightmare? Well I do it ’cause it gives
me ideas for a YouTube video. (light music) Okay, before you go into the comments and kill me for being anti worker, in my experience almost all of
the people I’ve worked with, no matter what age group, no matter what gender, race, whatever, have been lovely. They’re bein’ lovely girl. They have been so nice. The struggle is real. They know it, I know it. You don’t see me talkin’
shit about retail workers. But, I have had a few choice experiences with that 0.01% of people
that are (laughing) how shall we say? Problematic. (gunshots)
(dog barking) (sirens whirring) (store sounds) – Oh how I love to stack
shelves with books. I just love it. I love books almost as
much as I love cock. Oh my god. What is that? (coughing) You boy, over there. Have you seen the paper? I mean honestly, black people, on my planet in front of my salad, sharing existing with muah. Nope, nope, no, this has gone too far. (voice muffled) You know, David Cameron
personally promised the British people that he would crush every single person darker than mayonnaise with the same fury that he
fucked that decapitated pig head. (voice muffled) And I am not seeing results. Honestly, I think it’s disgusting. I say we put them all in
dungeons and shove rubber– Okay that’s enough. Is it obvious I wrote that scene? I’m not a very good writer. Okay, so in reality you’re
never gonna come across anybody nearly as cartoonish as that, but racist people do exist. And when you come across
a racist person like that you have idealistically two options. One, get the hell out of dodge. Grab the car, grab the kids, and leave. Just get out, Brenda. Just go. If you are vulnerable or, and I say this term in good faith, triggered by racism just leave. If you can, just leave. You don’t have to suffer
that kind of abuse. You don’t need it. We do not need that
kind of negative energy. That’s for me to provide. Two, stay there and debate them. Don’t do that. Not all of us have the high class debate skills of big boy booster seat Ben. But, and this is kind of what
white people should be doing, so this is kinda for us, relentlessly question their world view. Provide an example of a white person that will not stand for racism. Staying silent is kind of the
worst thing any of us can do. Having said that, in a retail environment
there is no escape. In a retail environment
there is no debate. Retail and low skilled work in general breeds an atmosphere of silence. Your job, and absolutely everyone else’s, is resting on a knife edge. Rocking the boat like
calling out blatant racism is seen as bringing down team morale, at least in my experience, and puts the spotlight directly on you as the next sales advisor to get the job. Girl, that’s not good. It’s a symptom of a deeper sickness within how we treat workers. It is everyone’s responsibility
to reject racism. But I can see how with widespread issues like toxic workplace
culture people can feel unable to speak up out of
fear for losing their job. This leaves vulnerable
minority groups out in the cold and it’s just, it’s not good. And that’s not right. (light music) I love customers. I love people. I love human beings. Saccharine expression. 99% of the customers I’ve come across have been nothing but lovely. Yeah I can’t pretend. I don’t really like customers very much. Being real for a moment. Can I be real, can I be real? It’s not fair to hate customers. I mean everybody needs to shop, like everybody needs to buy things. I don’t blame you. If you’re a customer I
will stay professional. I will help you. I will have a chat. I’m a lovely person but I can’t guarantee I won’t fantasize about your death. I’m literally, I’m literally never gonna
be able to get a job again. Future employers re gonna see this video and be like, bitch, why you
even applying to this job? I have had a wide range
of customer interactions. I am talking smash glass and fucking implied threats of assault level. It was not good, it was not good. No girl. I talked to my first
video about the Karen meme and how we tend to demonize older women for pretty much nothing at all. So this is not aimed at any particular demographic of people. I’ve had negative experiences from across the fucking ocean of gender. So don’t try it, whore. However, I’ve generally worked in more women-directed stores. So kind of naturally
I’ve had to just kind of more experiences with
messy ladies to messy men. It’s no statement about gender, but it just happens to be for me. Here we go. (store background noises) Thank you, darling, this’ll do wonderfully
for the resurrection. You are so welcome, have a lovely– I’ve come to return a lampshade. Okay. Any reason why you’re returning it? I don’t like it, also you’re ugly. Okay, have you got the original receipt? No. Online order form? No. Store card? No. Oh my fucking god. Is this going to take long? I hope not. You know I left my daughter
in the bath for this. Okay. Are you aware of how wrinkly Jessica gets after soaking for too long? She goes from JonBenet
Ramsey to obese raisin. Will you hurry up young man? My grandson needs to take a shit. Granddad, stop. Okay, okay, I’ll check the system. Fuckin’ bitch. (huffing) Yeah, so, we actually stopped selling that particular
lampshade about seven years ago. Excuse me. Yeah, we can’t accept it. What did you just say? I said that due to company policy we cannot accept– I heard what you said. This is unacceptable, just unacceptable. I’ve been a loyal customer
for over seven years and– Oh you have? What have you bought then? Oh, um, uh, this lampshade, of course. And, um, uh, that thing. (creepy monster squawking) Yeah, we don’t sell that. Are you calling me a liar? Yeah I am. Well you’re a dirty cunt. Wow. This is beyond unacceptable. I don’t think I’ve been treated so terribly in my entire life. You should be disciplined. No, no, no, no, fired, for the way you’ve spoken to me today, accusing me of lying. You are nothing but a stain, a smear that gained
sentience on happenstance. No wonder you work in this dump. Probably didn’t even finish school I bet. Little shit. Mm-hmmm. I have traveled across oceans
of fire and sulfur to be here. I have risen from the
abyssal depths of hell and battled the angels in heaven. I’ve consumed countless souls and yet my hunger never
ceases, never wanes. You will be enveloped
in darkness and smoke alongside the rest of your rancid species as I feed on the billions of insects that inhabit this wet, pathetic planet. I have come for compensation. I have come for reparations, I have come for the affordable but high quality satin sheets, and I have come to return
this fucking lampshade. Yeah, unfortunately the
register’s completely automated so I can’t do a return
for you today, sorry. I will destroy you. That took a turn. Yeah, the way I remember that
might not be 100% accurate. The reason why interactions
like this occur, the reason why people feel that they can talk to you this way, is that retail breaks down
the normal social barriers that a person will have when
deciding how to speak to you. Retail naturally depersons a worker. Consumers can begin to
think of an employee as less and less of a
human being with emotions and thoughts and more of like an annoying thoughtless barrier to just whatever the fuck they want. It’s in a similar vein to when certain gamerz get overly entitled and aggressive at developers who just want to unionize. They’re big fat meanies
who just want to stall development on my next
Sims Five Battle Royale. I’m not really a gamer. You’re paid to be here, therefore I own you and can treat you however I fucking please
you worthless smear. Normally that kind of dom
energy really gets me off, but when you’re saying
it in the kids section it’s kinda hard to cum, but I always cum in the end. Sticky. This has taken a turn. (sirens whirring) (upbeat music) This video was sponsored by Box Trash 4 U. For just 100 payments of one pound you’ll receive a monthly mystery box containing three totally unique, one of a kind, unpredictable gifts. – [Voiceover] Chosen from
a predetermined list. – Potential gifts include
but are not limited to flowers, chewing gum, a rubber
ball in the shape of an egg, a taser, chains, the complete
works of Agatha Christie, a bitch ass cracker, Stephen Hawking, the keys to my pussy, and
a white lady in a T-shirt labeled black girl magic. Oh would you look at that. First box comes free? I wonder what’s inside. Oh fabulous. Just what I’ve always wanted. Donate to my Patreon or I’ll kill you. (light music) Box Trash 4 U. Use code–
– Shabbygenitals. – For 10% off your first order. That’s code–
– Shabbygenitals. – For 10% off your first order. (light music) (upbeat music) I’ve been tiptoeing
around it a little bit, but enough’s enough. Companies take the value of your labor and call it profit. Labor, or work, produces
something we need. This can be something physical
like a car, for instance. Or it could be something less tangible like table service or
customer interaction. That labor is worth money. But in order for a company to make profit, a portion of the money
that you have produced needs to go to shareholders. This is fundamentally unjust. As shareholders and those who
own the means of production have done very little work to
actually produce that worth. They just own things, like a
clothes store, for example, rent out that store to the people actually selling the clothes or making
the clothes or whatever. Pay the sales workers a tiny salary in comparison to the actual
work that they’ve done, and then have the audacity to take the fucking rest as profit. This is oversimplifying but
I think you get the point. Mama, I don’t care if you’re picking a turd off the floor in Asda. If you are working you are not being paid the full value of your labor. And that’s some true tea. You know it’s really comforting
going to bed each night knowing that no matter how hard you work, no matter how much you slave
under homophobic lighting, no matter how many times
the word store master guide invades your fucking nightmares, and no matter how many customers wheeze their fetid breath
directly into your eyeballs, the majority of the worth
you have produced in that day is worthless and meaningless and will go directly to
the company as profit. Great. I love slavery. See that’s the slavery nipple. Am I done yet? Am I done with this
fucking shit ask script? I mean, I don’t know, we live in a society. (upbeat music) So that’s it. Nothing else left to say. I thought I’d be talkin’ for far longer, but honestly I’m just
not that interesting. What have we learnt today? Retail is shit. Seize the means of production. Burn all of society to the ground to lay the foundations of a new utopia. Oh and don’t forget to stay hydrated. We don’t want you
shriveling up like a prune. (balloon squeaking) If you enjoyed this video
please like and subscribe, and if you don’t hit the bell
button I will kill myself. If you’ve ever had a funny
experience in retail, whether it’s a crazy customer
or a racist coworker, please tell me absolutely
everything about it in the comments section below. I don’t read comments
and I will not reply, but it will artificially
increase this video’s engagement. That is a slavery nipple.

4 comments on “The 3 Worst Things About Retail

  1. OK, so I’ve only had one retail job, but many in customer service (so i can still relate, because the de-personing is real). I worked at a now closed furniture / decor store in the mall that sold borderline cute-tacky items. It’s probably the typical retail experience (a customer berated me once for taking ‘too long’ in counting her change) but this story is about my manager (because it was a tiny store, and furniture stores don’t exactly get as many customers as other retail stores). He interviewed me at a Starbucks in the mall, and at first seemed really down to earth & personable. Plus, he bought me Starbucks so, this was the best interview experience ever. He hired me, & my first employment experience was him inviting me to drive around with him, running errands. He was unusually nice for a manager I guess, especially to new employees (in hindsight). I learned he was from Italy & REALLY liked asian men. He shared photos of his boyfriend who was essentially his stay-at-home wifey, very femme. This gave me mixed feelings because on one hand it was sweet he was sharing cute photos of his partner, but at the same time making a really big deal over his love (fetishisation) of asians and in particular, femme partners (you know, instead of making it about his partner as a person, not just his race and gender expression). He really wanted to know my tastes in men as well, so I dismissed the icky vibes thinking he was just trying to get to know me and bond. Given the power dynamic, however, it’s not like I was going to communicate my feelings directly if they could possibly create friction anyway.

    The micro-aggressions, at first, were subtle. He’d speak of his partner and their conflicts dismissively, but in a ‘women, amirite?’ sort of way. Just casual sexism here and there. Then (I guess) as he became more comfortable with us, he’d became more overt. One day, out of the blue, he started to rant about women who wear pants. Apparently this was an American thing he didn’t understand, bringing up his mother’s disdain for it too. This was 2003, Underworld just hit theatres (we actually all went to see it together after work one night which was fun – sans manager, of course), so my colleagues and I kind of eyed one another quietly not really knowing how to respond. This naturally paints an image in my mind of Italy still waiting for their first Katherine Hepburn…

    There was also the time when it was one of our male colleague’s turn to clean the bathroom (he was one of two men who worked in the back as stockers). The job rotated among all employees and since it was an employee-only bathroom (because we weren’t allowed to have customers back there for safety reasons), it wasn’t that big of a deal. But this was the first time I personally got to witness a male colleague perform the duty, and by witness I mean up until this point no one would care to comment much on it, let alone stand outside the bathroom talking about it. But on this apparently noteworthy occasion, our manager is standing outside of the bathroom, next to the other stocker, laughing at this guy cleaning the bathroom talking about how “cleaning bathrooms is women’s work”. The two guys were laughing with him, although I think they were pretty uncomfortable. I shared some more glances and eyerolls with other female employees when he wasn’t looking.

    The final straw for me came with the holiday season; he had hired 3 new seasonal workers to handle demand. One of the new sales associates he hired casually asks me how much I’m paid one day. Turns out she’s being paid quite a bit more than me. I knew they typically pay seasonal workers more because they’re temporary (but I’m also thinking to myself there’s still a chance they could be hired on full time, and is he really going to adjust their pay once they’re hired? ). She starts opening up to me about her one-on-one experiences with him, and explains he told her he was paying her and the other seasonal workers more because to him, asians are smarter and deserve more pay. I suspect she’s trying to get a rise out of me because who in the hell says that, but given his track record, it’s entirely plausible she’s telling the truth. Our manager finds out we discussed our pay and takes it upon himself to meet each employee one-by-one in his office to grill us. When it’s my turn he starts shouting at me stating you’re not supposed to talk about pay with other employees (i think he said it goes against company policy or something). He didn’t care about anyone’s grievances, just seemed like he was trying to bully us into silence. At one point I asked, “why are you shouting at me?” and he replies “I’m not shouting at you” lowering his voice with every word as self-awareness hits him. I think I embarrassed him in some way (at least, I hope I did). I put in my notice because there was no coming back from that.

  2. Let's see… There was the time a guy popped a squat and just took a shit right in front of the denim wall. There was the time some lady tried on one of every bikini in the store and left them in a pile in the fitting room, all smeared in period blood. Watching my all-male, all-gay management team attempt to deal with the situation professionally was an experience.

    One time a lady tried to return 5 year old jeans from Target that had chicken bones in the pockets. I worked at Old Navy.

    Then there are the creeps! I ask a man for his number for it's-my-job reasons, and he thinks it's real cute to say "I'll give you mine if you give me yours 😏😚". This has happened at least 5 times. The man is always at least 20 years my senior.

    One time a guy tried to get in after we were closed and just stood there screaming at me while I counted tills. He waited there 45 minutes until I had to leave, tried to get in when I opened the door, and followed me all the way to my car. Now I carry a taser.

    Another time, this woman was in the store screaming for an hour at us because we wouldn't ship her package without an address. She threatened to sue us for discrimination (she actually got a "lawyer" to write up some paperwork later), and threatened to make her "security dog" shit on our carpet. She also left a novel of a review on yelp that painted in a hilariously ghoulish light. I recorded a minute or so of this interaction and send a clip of her saying "RESPECT YOUR ELDERS" to my coworker occasionally.

    I have an infinite supply of these stories; retail truly is hell. "The customer is always right" is a goddamn problem. It really does strip of us all personhood. Anyway, glad you're back! ♥️

  3. The "Customer Return Scene" was excellent, in fact, I enjoyed it all. I appreciate the brutal truth, feeeeed the children (eat the rich)!

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