Enough! Stop that nonsesnse and let’s focus! What’s your plan? There’s no plan. Yes, if we’ve learnt something about nowadays politics is that complicated plans don’t work. There’s no plan? Well, ok…you pair of sillies! Don’t worry Zuma! Yep! The plan is to get in there and start slapping people! They’ll learn about our peaceful lifestyle, even if it’s with violence! Come on, let’s go, attack! Welcome to Beranduegi! Today’s news comes from Gasteiz, Ertzaintza have arrested 20 people dressed as Carlists when they were about to attack the Parliament. Looks like they were under the influence of the cannibal drug or something similar. Oppressors! Oppressors! They’re oppressing me! One of them was dressed in ancient militar clothes and he claimed to be General Zumalakarregi himself when he was arrested. I’m Zumalakaregi! Diplomatic immunity! Diplomatic immunity! Diplomatic immunity, denied. The Paranormal Activity Unit of the Ertzaintza are checking if this event has anything to do with the mad person that appeared in Txindoki during the weekend. That’s Ausa Gaztelu, isn’t it? Yes, it’s Ausa Gaztelu. What’s that? The 20 people arrested have been sent to prison without bail while they are waiting for trial. Something is coming, a shadow is growing, a threat. What is it? What is it? The door to door ghost? Aralar once again? What? Aralar is part of Bildu now! Fuck! If it’s the door to door ghost we’re screwed! Boom! PNV appears from the left with the doot to door. See? Quick! Attack with the wealth tax! Come on, cheer us! Rufi-e! Rufi-e! Rufi-eeeeeeee! Nice! Double six. You’ve repited rhyme man. Don’t man me, it’s sexist! Shhhhhhhh! Have you heard that? CAN you hear that? Boom! Podemos party! Right in your face! Ah! Bloody thieves! Spaniards! Quick! Attack from the left! I can’t, only from the center! Maialen? Rufio? Txirrita? Khaleesi? Gazpacho? They’re costumes, you fool! But, who are you? What do you want? Otegi? Eh, Blasphemy! Shut up, sepoy! You aren’t Otegi. Isn’t Otegi here? He can’t be here, he’s impugned, how can he be in this film? I’m sure he’s a pig. don’t insult pigs. God damn it! Sorry, er…. OK, ok. Come on, calm down. He’s coming for an internship. He’s clean. Clean? With those clothes? Fucking posh! Red lips revolution! Take that! You’ll only find the truth in here! To enter tomorrow at eight into the congress. It’s a trick! No, it’s not! It is indeed! Shut up! Then, there’s only one way out, removing the toilet tiles, you mean? Yes! I saw it on a film. You make a hole and…. Eh! Quick, quick! We have to release the others! There’s no time! Hold this! Who are you? Me? the one who has released you No, your name! Me? Santa Kruz! The skate manufacturer? Eh! But…. Nothing, nothing. Be careful, be careful! Continue straight, there’s a boat on the river. But you? We’ll distract them. Continue towards Iruñea! What? What’s going on? On the fifth day at dawn look to the east. What are you saying, fool! Fuck! Lord of the Rings man! Eeehhh! Attack! Let’s go! Quick, to the raft! Careful, careful! There are crocodiles! What? How can crocodiles live in the Zadorra! It’s true, there are crocodiles! Come on. Otegi, you dick! Bloody social democracy! They could go to Ternua, to save whales! And what about the transparent screens behind the speaker, which all the politicins use nowadays. Yuck! Ha! And plastics pollute a lot! And white shirts, and… Yep, I tell you, in the end everybody’s more Catholic than the Pope himself. What else! Hey, but… what are we now? Errejonists? Bloody social democracy! Podemos is more on the left than us! We should be like the CUP, damn it! But, what do you think? To be hegemonic, we need centrality first, Otherwise we’ll always be in a corner. I’d rather be in the hole than being a watered-down liberal! And, the leader is a man as always. Damn it, enough is enough! Fuck the heteropatriarchy! And also ecology! No! Er.. Show your teeth to mother nature! No! holy shit, defend it! Then! Humans are disgusting! What are we now, social democrats? Feminists! Ecologists! Poets! Interns! Basques! Navarrans! And you don’t ask her if she’s a sepoy? Shut up, Andoni! But, who are you? Christine from the House of Lerin. I knew you’d be arguing, as I knew I could count on you! Do you know how to count? Well, then don’t… Andoni, shut up! And how do you know all that? Because I’m a sorceress. Wow! What’s our nation? Euskadi? No, The Basque Country? Neither The Basque Country is a cultural subject, but the political subject: Navarre! Aaaahhhh! Aren’t we all from Navarre? I’m from Barakaldo… Not again…! And if we are from Navarre, we need a leader from Navarre. Who will unite and inspire all the Navarrans! Strong, wise… Pernando Barrena? Carlos Garaikoetxea? Bittor Aiape? Bakartxo Ruiz? Pocahontas! No, Sancho the Strong. It’s useless, don’t go on; he’s stone-dead! Not for long! Artxila murtxila! Look! Ok, ok. You aren’t going to start now using Uri Geller’s cheap tricks, are you? You’ve learnt that from TV. I’m a sorceress! Look! Artxila murtxila! But what’s this? Enough, enough! Let’s continue with the scene! Trust me, I can resurrect Sancho the Strong. And what do you get from all this? What do you want? Me? Nothing! I’m always with our people! I’m one of us, bloody hell! The person who crosses this line is with me. Who’s with me? There you are Peter. What? Er… nothing. You can count on my will and empowerment. Count on my fist! And on my lips! And on my raw vegan receipes! And on my rhymes! I’m forced to be here anyway! Ebro-regiooon What’s that? A splitter. Wow, you can speak! We are crossing the splitter’s river bank. It’s said that all the splitters end up in here insane. Mind! Crocodiles! Crocodiles? How can crocodiles be in Ebro? They’re indeed, dude! Who’s that? Pablo Mosquera, from Unidad Alavesa. Not the band, the political party. Splitter! Holy shit! Iturgaitz! And those? Not those, that! That’s the head of UPyD. And these, Ciutadans. Ciutadans? Catalans around here? No, no. Spaniards. Do you know about the Basque Economic Agreement? The only thing left from the Fueros. Yep, you told me. They want to take it from us. What are they? Fools? Citizens! Cosmoyokels! Look! Barcina! Be careful! Don’t look her in the eyes! She’ll turn you in infraestructure or expenses! Ebro-regioooooooooon!! Ebro-regiooon! Aahh! Carry on with expenses! Aahh!! Carry on with expenses! Aaahhh! Carry on with expenses!!!! Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! To Bilbo, Tomas! You have to attack Bilbo! To Bilbo, Tomas! You must attack Bilbo! To Bilbo, Tomas! You must attack Bilbo! Ebro-regiooon, Ebroregioooooooo Aaahhh! Uaaaaaaa!! Aaaaahhhh! I told you! Don’t look into her eyes! Are you OK? I’ve had a flashback. Me too, lemon flavour. Look! Gipuzker! Hey! Is this the correct way to go to San Sebastian region? Jesus, Zuma! There’s no need for you to do that! He wasn’t dangerous. Ah, just in case. One hipster less. Stop that nonsense! Damn, are we there yet? Andoni! The journey is the most important thing, not the arrival! Life is the best! That’s the spirit of hiking! That’s it! And not using the car. And besides, with this lively music, You can’t stop! How fun! Really?
Isn’t there a decade more interesting than the 80s? 2010s for example? What? Demobilising music? Orreaga! That’s a model… No, it’s Orreaga, you fool! We’ll need the hair of a virgin to start with the ritual. What? I’m not a virgin… I had a girlfriend. And in the previous film we did this and we didn’t use any virgin hair. What the fuck about previous films? Listen, it’s my third resucitation, I know what I’m talking about. You don’t have a clue about resucitations! Bring me a hair, for fuck’s sake! Here you are! A la kinkirriñera, a la xamurrera A fluke on the left! A fluke on the right! A fluck in the center! Fuck! Mendia! DenISIS Gasco! Shit! Who has betrayed us? Be careful! The sorceress has to finish her ritual! Spaniards! You too of course. What does it say in your IDs? Aaagggggg!!!! Be careful! The Ethical Ground! You were sleeping as dead, and we want to awaken you, to be the guide of the nice Basque people. Kriskitin, kraskitin, larrrosa, travelling. Perro Sánchez! Oh, pooch! Pooch, pooch! Ey pooch! Ey my Sanchez! Artxila, murtxila! And eat Godzilla!! Eh, who are you? Lazkao Txiki? Talk to me properly! Hail, oh Your Highness Sancho the Strong! the Basque Country’s in decline….. What?? Navarre. Navarre’s in decline and we have resurrected you to re-establish the kingdom again. But, what has happened to the kingdom!? The only thing left is a football stadium… 500 years under Castilian rule! Bloody Castilians!! We want to have the power again, to be an independent country. But, do you have weapons and soldiers? Well, em…. in a democratic way. You won’t get anything that way!! Let’s go to Amaiur Castle, we’ll get weapons and soldiers there. Let’s go! But Amaiur…. Shut up! And you! Give me that flag!! Shit, always the same story! Just because we are zonbies, do we have to eat brains? Can’t we enjoy fresh fish? Or a nice steak?
Hey! Or a blood sausage…
Hey! Zuma only eats that. But of course, as he’s a zompire….
Listen! What’s that?? Quick, to the river bank! Welcome to the paradise of the Foral nation. I was expecting you. We were, we were! Because I was waiting too! Who are you? This is The Mermaid of Getxo, and me Bartolin. He kidnapped me long time ago. But, what are you saying? You’re here because you want to! Mimimimi, I’m kidnapped. Ok, does it matter who we are? The most importatnt thing is to build a foral nation. Do you have any food? Of course! There’s plenty of everything here! Then, will we restore the regional goverment? Sure. And The Foral Pass? Maybe…. And, to unite the seven provinces and bring the Customs to the river Ebro? Em, let’s see…. one thing is a small country, and another one’s a big country, tax peace… What are you saying about a small or big country? Customs to the Ebro, yes or no? What the fuck is this shit? Wine?? If it were from Araba at least… Bring patxaran! We don’t have patxaran on this island. You don’t have patxaran? What? The Customs aren’t coming to the Ebro? Jon Tomas, we’re leaving. Of course! Help, help!!!
Shoo, shoo!! They’re kidnapping me!
Shoo, shoo! Kidnap me, please!
Go away! Shoo! Go away! Ey! please, kidnap me! Holy fuck! Crocodiles!? In the Ebro? I told you so! Isn’t anyone going to tell this dick, that this shortcut is a long cut? Amaiur’s that way! Ssshhhh! He’ll chop our head off if we go against him. And can we have followers this way? An icon like you doesn’t need many tweets, but, you have to upload images every now and then. Andoni! Take a photo! Oohh… Zumalakarregi is out of jail. What are you saying? Give me the mobile. But, who’s that? Another one seeking the throne. And how do you know? Do you have spies? Nope, Tweeter. I don’t know who he is, but, if someone tries to stop me I’ll squeeze them as an ant. Tell them!! Stop! Who are you? Who are you!? Hail. I’m Sancho the Strong and… You? Yes, I’m Sancho the Strong and after a long trip…. Are you Sancho the Strong? Indeed. I’m Sancho the Strong and after a long trip… But how tall are you? A metre and a half? Well, it’s enough!! I’ve come to restore the kingdom of Navarre claiming my lawful rights; and I need comrades for my trip to recover the throne and be king again. Do you want to join us? You can be our follower. No. I’m Jeanne d’Albret III. and I’m already Queen of Navarre. What? What are you saying? Go away! Spaniard! I’m not a Spaniard! I’m from Iparralde, dumb! Go away!
What the … You’re in my kingdom! I’m the Queen of Lower Navarre, so, technically, queen of the whole Navarre. Then, you’re under my reign, and I order you to go away! We don’t know what else to say…. Go on, go on…. Do you have any electricity bills? What? Electricity bills. I think they’re charging you for the tap water too, Services you aren’t using. We don’t have electricity. We use candles here. Aaahh. Em… could you pass us the ball? we were playing and it has fallen in your balcony. What are you saying? Do you want a Master’s Degree in Mondragon University? They’re trendy now…. Well, enough! Next scene! Cut, cut! Uncle Tomas! The boat!! Holy shit! Where’s the skipper? I don’t know. I’ve just woken up. Fuck me! And how are we going down the river now? What are you doing? Using the Force, Zuma. I think I can take the boat out of the water. Don’t be silly and look for the skipper! To build a raft is very easy. To do so we’ll only need 20 tree trunks and a hemp rope. Let’s start then chopping down the trees. We don’t have to forget we have to feed the plants throughout their vegetative state. During the summer, and parts of autumn too. Be careful, Zuma! How I wish, how I wish, how I wish…. From the Union del Pueblo Navarro we don’t tolerate… What do you want? He’s said “kaixo”. Any problems? I haven’t said “kaixo”! He’s said it again. He’s imposing us their language! I haven’t said “Kaixo”, God damn it! He’s sworn at God! Attack! Aahh! Esparzaaaaaaaaaaaa! Mola ram, shuda ram! Enough! Enough……I don’t like this scene. Take in somebody else. Fuck me, and who do we bring in now? I don’t know, Perro Sánchez? We’ve already used that. Eñaut Elorrieta? Hello? I can’t. I’m busy… Shit, he can’t. And Catalina de Erauso? Ok. Mola ram, shuda ram! Release them! In the name of God! You’d better be quick, You aren’t the only ones chasing the throne of Iruñea. What? The Basque left nationalists have resucitated Sancho the Strong And they’re heading to Iruñea for the enthronement. And it seems that he’s not very happy with you. Yes, it’s true. So says Tweeter. Well, kings only know how to play card games. If you continue this way you’ll find them on the way. But to do so you’ll have to cross the desert. Good luck! They’ve taken the bait! And they’ll soon start like the Lasa brothers, arguing. Ok, as they continue fighting each other we’ll stick to our power. But you’ll have to ensure Antso and Zuma will kill each other. That the only way to split forces and to mantain the looks away from us Yes master. So it will be. Fuck it! How long have you been there!? Ah, aahh!! Bloody mouse, you won’t ruin my plan! Artxila murtxila!! Artxila murtxila!! What’s going on? Nothing, I’ve caught Andoni snitching information to the enemy with his mobile. He was a spy. I knew it! I distrusted him from the beginning! Fucking sepoy! Don’t worry! I’ve got rid of him. He won’t nose around more in our matters. A red sun rises, blood has been spilled this night. What are a general, a scientist, and the fat Cheetos mouse doing in Obanos? Screw you! Thanks god! I’ve been kidnapped! Shut up, bloody brat! We haven’t kidnapped you! Yes! You and you! Hail, brave knights of Obanos! I’m Tomas Zumalakarregi and this is Jon Tomas, a scientist. I don’t know who that one is. We’re going to Iruñea to regain the throne, re-establish the Fueros, and uniting the Basque territories we’ll take them to a golden age. You’ve fought for the kings of Navarre before… join us now. We need no god, hero or vanguard; Who has chosen you to sit on the throne? Go away from our land! Calm down, Mazinger! Is that a sword? This is a sword! Ah, help! They’re going to kidnap us! Understood. Tell us how to get to Iruñea and we’ll leave this land. OK, Iruñea’s that way. And don’t count on us for your throne battles! To the south! Be careful! We’re getting in the territory of the bear Kamiltxo. Kalimotxo? Not kalimotxo!? Kamiltxo! The keeper of the Bridge of Holtzarte! Look! There it is! But that’s only a fool in a costume! Sorry, em, we’ve had a problem with the script and that’s the only bear that could be found. We’ll shot the scenes of the bridge somewhere else! Come on! Let’s go on… But where are you going? It’s Kamiltxo! Aiaiaiaiaai! Fuck me! What was that? Holy shit, how are we going to cross the bridge? # Kamiltxo, calm down,# # We won’t harm you # # as we’ll give you # # honey and Gateau Basque# # let us, please, cross the bridge # Thanks goodness! Well, it hasn’t been that difficult… let’s continue. We can take that shortcut. Nobody expects Podemos-Ahal dugu! Our weapons are: Bare opinions Fight the establishment. Empowerment. Alternative left. Ambiguous opinions. Radiactive core Eh….. I can’t. Yes, you can! Yes, you can! But who are these clowns? Let me handle this. This could be solved with democracy too. What do you want? Ladies and gentlemen, vote us and we’ll let you pass. Votes? Leave us alone! You too..!!! …. it doesn’t matter!! Our votes are our people’s votes. Those votes are much more useful with us. Because we want to create the union of citizens and a union made of countries. HA! We are The People’s Union! What the fuck about countries? We’re going to re-establish the kingdom of Navarre and you… you can stand for elections then…. Fuck the elections! This is what we’ll do. We’ll toss a coin And if it’s tails you win. We aren’t Christians. Ok….. If it’s tails your votes are for us and it’s heads the other way round Ok Holy fuck! We’ve been tricked. What do you do on that hood? I don’t know, it’s not in the script. Tomas Zumalakarregi! Don Carlos? Shit! Mufasa! Don Carlos! Listen Carefully, Tomas! Your next quest is to conquer Bilbo. To conquer Bilbo? Yes, that’s your new task. No way! I went there once, following your silly orders and I was wounded there and died! And when I was dead I was neither in heaven nor in hell. We have nothing left from the Fueros, we don’t even have a nation! No country and not even country awareness. I don’t even have troops for fighting. Screw you! Wait Zuma.
Leave me alone! Tomas! Zuma! Zuma! Kaito? Am I dead? Zuma, it’s me. Aita Larramendi? You can’t give up now. Forget the old believes and adopt the new ones! Your faith is to lead the Basques to their golden age! You’re the last Basque. Listen to your heart. Listen carefully. The wound in your leg will kill you. but a new hope will arrive in the shape of a bird. Open your eyes and trust it. That’s the only way to defeat the Holy Sword and the enemy. What do you mean? I don’t know. It’s on the script…. Ah, and remember, in the previous film you were bitten by a vampire. Now, you’re a zompire. Puccini. Shoo, shoo. Quick! We have to stop Santso and his troops. I know what to do. What Zuma? A flashback? No, a flashforward! That’s it! You’ll see! We’ll find here suitable and brave soldiers. But, what has happened here? Where’s the castle? I’ve tried, but you haven’t let me talk. 500 years ago Castilians conquered the castle. Spaniards! Sorry, this is an archaeological dig and you can’t cross. You can’t cross. -You can’t.
-Geek! Let’s go! Hail Sancho, I was expecting you. Talk to me properly. I’m your king. I don’t have a king. I’m Marc Lagasse. The keeper of the Euskalibur sword. If you can take the sword, you’ll defeat the enemy. But think about it, because if you defeat the enemy… Euskalibur!! Habemus army. But, who are those two fools? One is Zumalakarregi, the other one I don’t know. Why have you thrown the sword away? It was our only weapon. Jon Tomas, I’m a zompire. Is he the one who tries to avoid my enthroning? How have they found us? How the fuck have you found us? It’s on tweeter, your location is on. What’s he saying? Location, god damn it! What’s the plan? The plan? Attack the enemy and destroy it. But there’s only two of us. Yes, you’re right. Gentlemen! Surrender and we’ll spare your life! The dawn of the fifth day. Were you thinking of fighting alone? You selfish! We won’t give them that pleasure. # We’ll all take part with you # # So Basques could live in peace # -To Frodo!
-What? Attaaaack!!! Attack!! They’ve kidnapped me! Hey you, we need reinforcements! What? We need reinforcements, Or a “deus ex machina” That’s all we needed, to start praying. This is not the end! Mafia out” From the Cuuups!! You’re without arms too? I’m a zompire. Use the Force Zuma What Force? You told me I’m a zompire. Em, I don’t know, I have to make some photocopies… Bye! Production! I don’t like this shot! Production! # A new hope will arrive in the shape of a bird # Stop! It’s a trap! The sorceress wants us to argue! I don’t care! You! Antxon! Andoni. Andoni, listen! Kill that bastard. I can’t, I have an exam. I have to study to pass my internship. Kill that mouse and I swear I’ll pass the internship for you. Here you are! Artxila murtxila! We have fought like brothers and sisters. Against the repression we suffer. Showing our teeth to the enemy. Quick, we need Zumalakarregi’s blood. Eh! My internship! You haven’t signed it! My internship, it isn’t signed! My internship! My internship!

2 comments on “Napardeath

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *