Jerma Sells Out


-[Newscaster]
“…please be aware, the image is disturbing.” -[Director] “Time for your big line!” “Somebody get the slogan ready, please…” ‘Try Thunder for a clean machine!’ ‘Vroom vroom!’ – “Audition time!” “We’re going to take some photos of you,” “to see how you look on camera!” [laughing] Okay… Can’t wait! “First, we’ll take a natural pose.” “Line up your face like this:” [laughing] Oh ho! Get out of the camera, scary lady! Oh man… “When the red light’s on,” “press the Move button to take a photo.” Okay. [chuckling] “Here’s how your contestant will look in-game.” [wheezing laugh]
“Here’s how your contestant will look in-game.” “Now it’s time to record your TV catchphrase!” “This will be used to introduce you” What?
“This will be used to introduce you” “This will be used to introduce you” “to your adoring public!” “After the countdown,” “just shout out whatever you like.” Okay.
“just shout out whatever you like.” “just shout out whatever you like.” “Like this:” “Amber Bell rocks!” [clears throat] LIFE IS PAIN! I HATE MYS— – “LIFE IS PAIN!” “I HATE—” “That’s great!” – “So, let’s see who we’ve got!” [thud]
– “So, let’s see who we’ve got!” [quietly] Ow, fuck…
– “So, let’s see who we’ve got!” We got th— – “LIFE IS PAIN!” “I HATE—” – “Boom! Straight on with the action!” – “LIFE IS PAIN!” “I HATE—” [laughing] – “Aw man, now this is ‘wheely’ good stuff!” -[rapping] “Show and prove, with this pancake!” [rapping]
Pancakes prove, with this pancake! [rapping]
“Flip the script, you’ll be great!” [rapping]
Life is pain… [rapping]
You’re DEAD. – “Bing Bong!” “This is your last call for flight” “number zero two awesome!” You see up there? You see me pickin’ my nose? God! That live stream failure! ‘Shoot for the stars…’ 20 people this time. I got it. I’m gonna do it. I was good— I was pretty good with the Wii. – “LIFE IS PAIN!” Wh—
“I HATE—” Wait! WAIT!
“I HATE—” [chuckling] I’m the only one here! With a busted arm. – “Okay guys, we made through in one piece.” “What a show!” [laughing] I’m the only contestant! “We have ourselves a champion!” [laughing]
“We have ourselves a champion!” “Aw, you rock!” “Come on, give it up! Wahoo!” – “LIFE IS PAIN!” Yeah, and I put myself on the cover of my own magazine? What a megalomaniac sicko! 𝘐’𝘮 the only contestant! 𝘐 get to be on the front page of every magazine! 𝘐 own all the companies! – “Which contract do you want?” ‘Toilet Sheriff…’ What? ‘Category: Z…’ The ‘Toilet Sheriff’? I don’t wanna do ‘The Toilet Sherriff’… Do you know who I am? I’m Jerma985! I don’t— I don’t— I don’t d— This is… drivel to me! – “Brbrbrbrbrb!” – “Brbrbrbrbrb!” – “Toilet Sheriff!” “It’s high noon for gamers—” “G— er— germs!” – “I’ve made a start in here, clearing off the old plaster.” Wa— easy, easy wi— Easy! She just reverse-broke that. [plastic hitting]
I’m whipping myself with this fuckin’ stupid thing! [plastic hitting]
I am whipping my neck! I’m gonna have like fuckin’ bruises on my neck. [plastic hitting]
I am hitting myself in the face with the string. “Look at this! A skilled carpenter at work!” [laughing] This hurts! “Three more, and you’re done!” Three more?! Three more? I don’t wanna do ONE more. What if we just like gyrate it a little bit? You know what I mean? Like this: No. It’s gotta be full. ‘Put the strap on’? The strap IS on! It doesn’t— It’s like— It’s like the skin! It’s the residual skin! “Nearly out of time…”
It’s like the skin! It’s the residual skin! It’s like the skin! It’s the residual skin! I can’t even get ONE done! Get— [sigh] It’s not this hard to do this is real life! Oh my Lord. [failure sting] “Let’s get that fridge into place.” [breaking] [laughing]
[breaking] [laughing]
“Hmm… Well…” [laughing]
[breaking] “You’d better just hope that holds.” [breaking]
“You’d better just hope that holds.” [laughing] Vase, right there in the corner. “You may like it,” “I may like it,” “but will this family like it?” There ya go. Nice lighting. Picture of the cat! C’mon! Everbody loves cats! C’mon! Get it! Cat! God! Fuck you! Ugh! It’s at— Look at this beautiful house! “The two hour makeover is over!” “Welcome to your new apartment, guys!” “What do you think?” [anticipating music] How does it look? Why am I creeping up behind her? Is she chasing me or— Why are we running around like Benny Hill? What was that for? [upbeat funky music] – “LIFE IS PAIN!” “I HATE—” Hey, remem— Hey, remember when I nailed
that commercial that time? [thud]
Hey, remember when I nailed
that commercial that time? You’re like living in the past. Hey, you guys remember— Do you guys remember when
I made that Rat Burger video? Well that was— I loved that video. Remember that video? – “This is what they did for fun in the ’60s you know.” No it’s not. Don’t feed me a false narrative. This is not fun. They did it because they wanted to have cool cars. ‘Try thunder for a clean machine!’ 𝐘𝐀 𝐅𝐔𝐂𝐊𝐈𝐍’ 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐊𝐄𝐑! Fuck! I wasn’t supposed to come up here! I just— I— Sorry! I just screamed in everbody’s ear! Why did I scream into this microphone? Like I— It’s up here. I’m so sorry! Wha— I’m s— I am s— I am SO, SO sorry. “Okay, you’re thinking about your dentist now.” “…who’s hot!” “But, the dental fees make you spit.” [spit] – “Shine on!” [rock music] – “𝔹𝕣𝕦𝕤𝕙 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕥𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕙 𝕚𝕗 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕟𝕒
𝕟𝕠𝕥 𝕘𝕠 𝕥𝕠 𝕗𝕦𝕔𝕜𝕚𝕟’ 𝕛𝕒𝕚𝕝, 𝕜𝕚𝕕𝕤!” – “It’s a-not empty! Just needs a good shake!” [chuckle]
Okay! That’s all it takes that like nice hair, all right. Uh… What was it? We gotta have, like, up here, right? [smearing makeup] Oh fuck! I didn’t know it was gonna— [smearing makeup] It was like orange up here.
[smearing makeup] [smearing makeup] [smearing makeup] All right, it looks like he just ate, like,
a bunch of fucking Oreos! I’m tr— I’m trying to write ‘MURDER’ on my forehead! [buzzer]
– “Our contestant—” – “May I present—” Okay, wai— – “That looks 𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘳𝘪𝘣𝘭𝘦!” [audience cheering] Here he comes in his new clothes.
– “Ladies and Gentlemen,” – “Ladies and Gentlemen,” “our fabulous Paris Superstar!” Thank him for coming.
– ♫ You’re a Superstar! ♫ – ♫ You’re a Superstar! ♫ – “LIFE IS PAIN!” “I HATE—” I’m so happy about it! – “You smell.” “You’re sad.” “Everybody hates you.” [tropical music] [spraying]
[tropical music] [tropical music] – “THEY’RE HOLDING ME HOSTAGE AND
MAKING ME FILM THESE COMMERCIALS!” “FUCKING C—” – “Kick it up!” “Slam it down!” How? I— This is— That doesn’t make any sense! “They’re blocking the goal…” “Take ’em down!” [boom]
“Take ’em down!” This doesn’t make any sense! Nothing about this makes sense! I— it— j— It’s either too fast, too slow. It don— ‘Kickshots. It’s a state of mind.’ I can’t even beat a B-list. Well, it doesn’t matter. That’s not my style. That’s not my style! I’m not gonna— I don’t do cell phone commercials. You see how good my other commercials were? For the toothpaste? Nobody can beat me in those. I’m so much more popular than all these people. Think I care about this guy with a Pegasus commercial with a shitty car? Have you seen my germ commercial? It’s ten times better! I— Remember the deodorant commercial? I sold that. You know how many copies
of the deodorant were sold? Y—You how many people— You know how many copies were sold? 25,000. In one day. So, good. Take your car, that like, 10 people bought. Hit break. I’m the important one here! [laughing]
I’m the important one here! I’m not gonna make a joke of this one. – “Nearly there!” I’m an A-list celebrity guys. I don’t make jokes now. “It’s too crazy…” “I love it.” There you go. Come here… c’mere. “Can we get the autocue running?” ‘Try thunder for a clean machine!’ ‘Vroom vroom!’ That’s how you fuckin’ nail it! – “T̨ry̵ T̀h̛ưnde͏r ҉for̶ a ̛clea̶n ́ḿachine͢!”
[loud & clipping] “V̸r̀ơ͟o̶͟m̵͘͟ ̴̛͞v̶r̨ǫ͜o͜m̧!̕”
[loud & clipping] ‘A Is for Amazing!’ I beat the game. The game’s over. I— Look, I’m— look— Just like a lot of celebrities do not do, I’m going out on top. You know? That’s it. I’m going out on top. I’m not gonna get to A-list, and then make a bunch of shitty movies that bring me down to C! And then I have to star on a crappy reality show where I dance in front of a bunch of
cameras and an audience. No! I made it! I’m a fucking A-plus celebrity! I don’t need to— I’m— I’m done. I’m gonna go— I’m gonna go fucking fishing!

100 comments on “Jerma Sells Out

  1. That image was highly disturbing, I can’t believe you would subject us to that, Jerma. I thought you were better than this, only family friend pg 13 content.

  2. Leaves an extra long ending to the clip… What type of animal leaves suspense for an extra at the end lol

  3. 7:37
    THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE, NOTHING ABOUT THIS MAKE SENSE! EHUH-EH-EHI- IT'S TOO FAST, TOO SLOW, IT DON–
    "Kickshots. It's a state of mind."

  4. I love how a lot of famous YouTubers watch Jerma but they dont talk about it. Because if you watch Jerma you are an insane person

  5. When he's yelling and ranting and then immediately snaps into commercial voice as soon as the prompt comes up I fucking died

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